I should have known what was in store.
I’m not clairvoyant, I’ve just seen
the other movies. (Yes, all three.)
In my mind they’re one long film:
Explosions, shouting, robots killed.
The trailer says, “The rules have changed.”
I assure you: They’re the same.
At movie’s start, Optimus Prime
is nearly dead before his time.
Mark Wahlberg finds him and repairs
his robot wounds with loving care.
Wahlberg’s lines are bad enough
to make you miss Shia LaBoeuf.
Since his acting is so stiff,
he ought to make some use of it.
Mark could play an Autobot
who transforms to a decent plot.
They meet with Prime’s remaining team,
the second stringers, it would seem.
One’s Japanese, another Cockney.
If that seems strange, even more oddly,
one Autobot should plainly be
storming the beach at Normandy.
He’s helmeted and smokes cigars;
you almost want to call him “Sarge.”
I think you might already know:
To this hot mess you shouldn’t go.